Yesterday I went to my friends Jeff and Andrea's Vow Renewal. I have to be honest, these things are typically full of married people and married people who have seen what happened to my marriage and sometimes I wonder if I bring and elephant into the room with me when I go these things.
It used give me crippling anxiety. I'd walk into a room and know that almost everyone in it knew that something happened in my life but didn't know how or what exactly. Some knew little more than that they hadn't seen me in a while and were concerned. Others could have heard any of the several renditions of the story that my ex-husband has told others throughout this process ranging from half true with all of details that vouch for my sanity, forgiveness, grace, gentleness, and who I am as a human being completely left out to entirely untrue. However, what was true in all cases was that whatever they may have believed about me, they were all content to carry on believing it and I had been heard by none of them.
For a while the anxiety was crippling. I'd let it keep me from showing up to places I wanted to be just because I didn't want to see one more person look at me like I was pitiful and mentally unstable. I couldn't deal with the shame that came from the fact that, even if what he thought and told others of me is completely untrue, there's still the reality that no matter what I did, I couldn't get my husband to believe I loved him and that he begrudgingly discarded me like the trash with little sign of any of remorse. I couldn't quite the accusations and shame from those few times that I had an even remotely normal human response to what was happening, it became a weapon in his arsenal and a "fact" he could use to write me off as being an unforgiving or hard woman. It hurt. It was heavy. I almost let myself cave underneath it. I almost lived another life. I'm not sure what I believe about the ability for us to just start over but I know that I believe in the power we have to chose, I believe in trying again, and in second (and third and fourth and fifth etc.) chances that come from one moment to the next.
Being at Jeff and Andrea's and hearing what they had to say was another reminder of that. Hearing that it is possible for someone to make those vows and experience hard things and life and to s
used to keep me Frank was there. he put his hand on my back and said, "Hey" I said "Hey' back. I didn't feel sad or angry. With no reconciliation there and with what happened still ceasing to be acknowledged there and even in not having ill-will toward him, something just feels disingenuous to be interacted with in that way. I was talking to a friend a few months ago about how I'm noticing that for myself and quite a few other people, it's not that you want anyone to "pay" for what they've done. It's just that there's a unique and strange pain when someone has deeply mistreated you and it is never really acknowledged.
if someone choses to walk out of your life in this way and ever wants to come back in, I think its probably best that they be willing to come in through the door from which they left. We must relentlessly forgive. However, trust, once destroyed, must be rebuilt. I believe thats not only ok, but its healthy.
I went to my friends Jeff and Andrea's Vow Renewal. I have to honest. these things are typically full of married people and married people who have seen what happened to my marriage and tend to wonder if it's an elephant I bring into the room. Frank was there. he put his hand on my back and said, "Hey" I said "Hey' back. I didn't feel sad or angry. With no reconciliation there and with what happened still ceasing to be acknowledged there and even in not having ill-will toward him, something just feels disingenuous to be interacted with in that way. I was talking to a friend a few months ago about how I'm noticing that for myself and quite a few other people, it's not that you want anyone to "pay" for what they've done. It's just that there's a unique and strange pain when someone has deeply mistreated you and it is never really acknowledged.
if someone choses to walk out of your life in this way and ever wants to come back in, I think its probably best that they be willing to come in through the door from which they left. We must relentlessly forgive. However, trust, once destroyed, must be rebuilt. I believe thats not only ok, but its healthy.