Today as I mopped the floors of the daycare, looking for spots to buff out, I thought of everything going on in my life right now. I started to really look at how my heart is feeling and I thought of Abraham.
You see, this summer at Bethel a man prayed for me and told me that God wanted me to tell him what I wanted. Now before you get all bent out of shape, I do NOT mean prosperity gospel. When he asked me, all I could genuinely say was that I just wanted to know and love God. To this the man replied, 'Yeah, thats all well and good but you're the type of person that doesnt ask God for anything but He wants you to tell Him. He wants to hear what you want. What do you want?"
This man had struck a cord with something deep in my heart. I immediately burst into tears and just kept repeating, "I don't know!' "I really dont know!" " I don't want anything else"
I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted.
To be completely honest, the question made me angry.
In the months since, God and I have been talking about that conversation. I realized that somewhere along the line of experiencing disappointment and unfulfilled promises from family and friends, I had stopped asking for anything at all.
I had made the choice to never really give much time or attention what I wanted. In asking God why, I realized I was terrified of admitting I wanted anything and what it would do my heart to acknowledge more and more things that would only turn into disappointments or road signs that what was in my heart didn't really matter to God.
I was afraid of cynicism, hurt, offense, and doubt. I was afraid of becoming hard and numb.
In the months since, I have been really asking myself, allowing myself to feel and pouring my heart out. I've realized and allowed myself to admit that there are some things I want.
During this time, A man I have been friend with since I was 17 years old, the first man I ever loved had come back into my life and I began to talk to God about how I loved him and how he was something I wanted. He's a youth pastor in VA.
God had asked me what I wanted and He was giving it to me...I couldn't believe it. This is where it comes full circle. This brings me to thethought of Abraham. You see, now, God is asking me to give it all up. To take the thing I asked him for and within my grasp and to sacrifice it to Him. so, today, as I mopped the floor of a job I thought I'd be leaving in two months, I thought of Abraham. I thought of how broken my heart feels and how the most I can offer God right now is obedience and worship as I grapple with the pain and fear of what looks like the death of the very things God asked me to tell him I wanted and I wondered...
did Abraham walk bright eyed into what looked like the death of his dreams, of his promise? Was his heart full of confidence and certainty and peace? Did he walk more slowly than normal? Did he burst into tears? Was he afraid? Did his heart break? Does Your heart break?
I may never know but somehow, knowing I'm not alone makes me feel more at ease and I am hopeful that even though all I can offer is obedience and worship in the midst of tears and moments of anxiety, because it really is all I have, it is pleasing and it is enough.